When I decided to move back to New York a few months ago, I was overcome with this crazy inspiration to change everything in my life. I had a pretty simple plan in my head to be honest. I would go from sitting around, being unhappy with myself, never going out, and not living up to my potential to being amazingly happy with everything. I had visions of having a Carrie Bradshaw/New York life - taking the town by storm, and all that goes with it.
Things haven't gone that way.
The truth in it all is that...change is really, really hard. I had this whole image in my head of my life, and I've done very little to make my life match the goals I have in my head. As I learned when I moved from New York to Florida, just because you move to a new city doesn't mean you are changing anything about yourself. If anything, you're just running from yourself.
Sure, the first few weeks I found myself crazy inspired by everything around me. There's just so much to do here, and I plan to do as much of it as I can. Except, much like a New Year's Resolution, that inspiration lasted just a few weeks. Now I'm finding myself reverting to the things I do that make me so unhappy in the first place. Pushing people away after a bad day, being bitter about others, and making procrastination my favorite behavior in the world.
Why change? I'm a big believer in the idea that we should always try to improve ourselves and do whatever it takes to make ourselves happy. The thing is, that's always easier said than done. I'm a realist, which often translates to being negative about everything. I'm painfully shy, which often translates to being closed off from people and unwilling to meet anyone new. And the truth is, I absolutely hate both of these things about myself. Everyone says you should love yourself the way you are, but I disagree.
So, where do we go from here? I think some of the easiest ways to create the life that you've always wanted is to actually list out that life. Do you want to be more outgoing? Do you want to work out more? Well, get it done. I know that for me, I relish in the opportunity make excuses for my thoughts/actions, and I think after 28 years, it's time to stop that.
For me, it's going to take a lot of soul searching. Changing my life isn't going to happen by getting a new haircut or picking out new clothes. It's going to happen by forcing myself outside of my comfort zone. That means trying new things, forcing myself to talk to others, writing more, and maybe forcing a smile here or there (resting bitch face is a painful thing) - there's no time like the present, right?